Between Flattery & Admiration Flows Contempt

Holy hell, what a day, what a day! Where to begin...
Key Players
Prosecution
J. Ashton
L. Burdick

Defense
J. Baez
C. Mason

Defendant
Casey Marie Anthony

Krystal Holloway

Alright, this morning, the first witness to testify was Ms. Krystal Holloway a.k.a River Cruz, the alleged mistress to one, George Anthony, father of the defendant. Her testimony revealed a nervous presence about her statements and at one point, during sidebar, she removed her dress jacket. Her testimony did not prove anything for the defense, though they tried to include her testimony as evidence of the death of little Caylee Anthony. State objected and gave requested instruction to Judge Belvin Perry, to allow the jury to accept her testimony as an impeachment of George Anthony's testimony, but not as evidence of the death. Holloway testified that G. Anthony said, "it was an accident that snowballed out of control." She never said he caused the accident or knew who caused the accident. Perry allowed the testimony as impeachment only, with instruction not to take it as evidence of the death.

Next on the stand was George Anthony. The questions Baez posed were about a video showing a command center that Anthony had worked and questioned the location of the center. Baez never brought up the question of whether Holloway was indeed his mistress, whether he abused Casey, or whether he knew for a fact how the 'accident' occurred.

Enter Cindy Anthony, mother of the defendant, who was then questioned about the burial practices of the family pets. She stated that the first pet they had, prior to her children being born, was buried in Ohio and that the dog was euthanized at the vet, and then handed to her, wrapped in a blanket she had taken, and taped securely. The other pets (and there were a lot) were buried in the families back yard in Florida. All among the same practices, wrapped in cloth of some sort, placed in black garbage bags and wrapped with packing tape, 'at every 1/3'... which would be appropriately described as the neck and waist/hips.  She was asked if her children ever assisted with this. She stated that Lee had on occasion and Casey had when she was older. She stated that the dogs were never euthanized with chloroform.

Lee Anthony, brother of the defendant, was then called to the stand and asked the same questions. He advised that he assisted with burying a couple of the deceased family pets. He reiterated what Cindy had said, except he used the words duct tape.

State had finally received their documents from Gentiva (Cindy Anthony's previous employer) and had not had time to go through them entirely but felt determined they held vital information that would impeach her testimony about being home when the computer searches for chloroform had been made. And wouldn't you know Baez through a hissy fit. He objected immediately claiming he did not know these were available and made a motion to have them not entered into evidence on grounds of discovery, claiming they were not allowed based on being added after they rested their case.

Linda Burdick took the podium to explain to Judge Perry the defense was aware they may arrive and in fact, she had called Baez's office late last week and early this week to remind them. Baez claimed they were inadmissible because Perry had already laid the evidence foundation and the grounds for entering evidence. Long story short, the evidence was admitted on the stipulation that Defense is allowed to have a documents examiner go through the information to make sure it is validated and has not been tampered with. In addition, Judge Perry asked several questions as to the knowledge of whether Baez knew Cindy Anthony would lie about the information contained in the documents should they be admitted and to my understanding, Baez stated she would/did. I'm still iffy on the issue with that, but in any event, tweets and chat room chatter stated should the evidence prove she lied, perjury charges may be brought up. Immediately after the discussion between Attorneys and Judge Perry, Cindy and her attorney left the courtroom. Cindy arrived back after the jury read the suicide note written by George Anthony. You can read the first page of the note here. 

One can't help but wonder if the state proved their case enough to get a conviction from the jury. We've heard testimony from experts, volunteers, good Samaritans and the list goes on and on. But have they proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Casey killed her daughter. The following are some pictures to remind you of why we value the justice system.

 

Caylee Marie Anthony



Caylee Marie Anthony


And these picture show you just how evil someone can be to destroy a life so innocent, so fragile, and so undeserving as to how she was taken out of this world.

The day remains of a small child were found.

Child skull and surround garbage.

Child skull, surrounding garbage and foliage.

Child skull, foliage and black garbage bag(s).

Depiction unknown, surrounding foliage, black garbage bag.

Matthew Bartlett

The remainder of the afternoon went to something a little more outlandish. While court was in session, a 28 year old male by the name of Matthew Bartlett was spotted and photographed giving Assistant Prosecuting Attorney Jeff Ashton the bird. Ladies and gentlemen, this sort of stuff doesn't just get made up. I witnessed for myself, two court officers escort this man to the podium where he faces the judge. Bartlett apologized for his dastardly deed, but it did not go unpunished. Perry ordered the man to spend 6 days in the Orange County Jail and to pay a $400.00 + court costs fine ($623.00). To read more about the event, go to this site.  To see him do it, click here.

All in all, it was an eventful day. The defense rested their case (having not met their opening statement of how they would show this death to be an accidental drowning, nor any allegations of sexual abuse towards their client). One can only hope that true justice will prevail. You know the jury must be getting antsy with the Independence Holiday coming up. Prosecutions rebuttals are scheduled for tomorrow and we are hoping to hear closing arguments on Saturday.

Until tomorrow my fellow courtroom junkies,
LaVonda

Post Traumatic Stress or Puppet Tied to Strings?

Hello fellow bloggers, passers-by and trial junkies,

     Today was rather eventful at 425 North Orange Avenue as twelve jurors, a judge and patrons of the court heard heartbreaking testimony from George Anthony. Several key issues discussed were his state of mind, his purchase of a gun, a handwritten suicide note, and his being accused of sexual abuse toward his daughter and defendant, Casey Anthony.

     Jose` Baez, lead Defense Attorney for the defendant, began questioning Mr. Anthony about his state of mind when he had been told a body of a small child had been found. Even through the computer monitor and television, you could feel the heartbreak as he described his feelings, all told through tears.  Heavy sobs came just prior to Judge Belvin Perry asking if the witness needed a break. Through the tears he replied, "I need to get through this. I need to have something inside of me get through this." He later stated that he wanted to be with Caylee. Upon questioning about the suicide attempt, Anthony began to break down. Defense threw a few jabs at the witness however, they opened the door for more questions. When Prosecutor Ashton questioned Anthony about the suicide note, Baez objected but Judge Perry overruled the objection. Anthony advised that he had questions about the disappearance of his granddaughter in the suicide note. He stated he purchased the gun in hopes of questioning people who may know the whereabouts of his granddaughter. Anthony stated that he traveled to a hotel with the intention of taking his own life.

     The key point in George Anthony's testimony was when asked about his thoughts on what happened. George Anthony stated that up until Caylee's body had been found, deep down he thought his daughter did not kill her. "Up to that time", he had restated to the attorney. He never said, "I think Casey killed her", but it was practically implied. Mr. Anthony also stated that he never sexually abused his daughter. Then Baez pressed the issue further by stating, "you would never admit to sexually abusing your daughter, would you?" Mr. Anthony stated he would never hurt her like that.

     Along with Mr. Anthony's testimony, the jury heard additional information from Roy Kronk, as well as new testimony from witness Brandon Sparks, Roy's biological son. Sparks claimed that Kronk had called him in November, prior to the body being found, claiming that he had in fact found the body of missing Caylee. If you recall, Kronk had stated that he did not make any claims of finding her body until December 11th, the first time Kronk supposedly called his son claiming he found her. When asked by Burdick to locate on the phone records the call made to him by his father in November, the information could not be found. In addition, testimony from the Officer Turso and Melich also confirmed the defenses questions about Kronk admitting he had called the crime line prior to December 11th. Defense wanted to put the heat on Kronk, however, it was not turned up at all. In fact, Melich corrected Baez when asked if Kronk changed his statement on December 19 to differ from December 11th. Melich stated that he didn't change it, but rather, he added information to it that was left out on the 11th. Baez ate crow with that one!

     The majority of the after lunch testimony was heard by Doctor Sally Karioth, a traumatologist who appeared eccentric on the stand and whose testimony all but paved the way for prosecution to bring this case home. In short, any issue from any aspect can be included as defined trauma. From partying to prayer, sex to celibacy. Ashton furthered this by trying to have her not included as an expert in the field of Truama, based on her inexperience. The woman has been in this field of study for 40 years, but could not give one name of a truly peer reviewed submission of her work, and when she did, it was not relevant to trauma. Judge Perry allowed her, but she was on a slim line.

     The jury was dismissed and a side bar concluded the events of the day.  Following side bar, several tweets were made regarding the possibility of defense closing their argument tomorrow or Friday. One source stated the jury may begin deliberations as early as the 4th of July -- ironic much?

     On a side note, when court dismissed for lunch a very interesting thing happened. A man by the name of Mark Schmidter was outside the courtroom, but still in the courthouse, handing out pamphlets of an unknown content (tweets suspect jury duty information), near the jury room. Apparently a confrontation of some sort occurred and Mr. Schmidter was brought into the courtroom to stand in front of Judge Perry on charges of indirect contempt. Judge Perry had specified prior to the beginning of the trial, the safe regions for constitutionally protected protests (see protests). Mr. Schmidter was fined $2500.00 and requested to defend himself. He is scheduled to appear in court on July 6 at 8:15am.

     Stay tuned for developments and the continuing saga as court comes to session tomorrow morning at 9:00am CST.  Want to watch online? Here is the link I follow.  Feel free to sign in a join the chat as well! Strong opinions but good commentary!

     Until tomorrow,
     LaVonda

Day 30... Still hearing Testimony



Lee, Cindy, George, Caylee, and Casey Anthony

Fellow Bloggers,
Let's take a sidebar for just a moment and recap today's courtroom filled testimony as Day 30 of the Casey Anthony trial dismisses for the night. Unlike my previous post regarding this case, the following is factual and does not include opinion, but rather, a perception of the transpiring events. (Not all testimony was heard as my cable and web were down until just before Lee Anthony left the stand.)

Testimony was heard by Cindy Anthony, George Anthony, and Lee Anthony. I did not hear their testimony.
Mr. Roy Kronk was the next one to be called to the stand. Roy Kronk was the Orange County Meter Reader who found the remains of Caylee Anthony. His testimony was rock solid. He never wavered. He addressed each and every question that both the defense and the state posed to him, however belittling the defense was.

Cheney Mason

During one statement by Mr. Cheney Mason (effectively nicknamed Mumbles by the chat room jurors) began questioning Mr. Kronk on the issue of where he parked, where he walked and what exactly he was doing in the woods. He asked Kronk if he had knowledge of who lived down the road from the wooded area he went in to 'relieve' himself... Yes, meter reader peed in the woods.

Kronk's replies were noteworthy. "I had been in the area on one other occasion during my training as meter reader. I was not aware of the Anthony's address until my second time in the area, unsupervised. I was no longer in training as a meter reader."

Cheney asked Kronk if he had knowledge of the wooded area and to whether or not he had seen anything in the woods.

Roy Kronk

Kronk advised the courtroom he was making his route reading the meters when a co-worker (Dean) was out with a trainee. Dean and the Trainee were advised by the supervisor to meet up with Kronk and help him out. Kronk, Dean and the trainee were gathered near the location where Caylee was found. Kronk stated that Dean told him "Caylee may be out here. That is her grandparents home down there." And pointed out the Anthony's general location and stated that is why there are media personnel down there. Kronk brushed it off, stating he entered the wooded area to relieve himself. While there, he noticed something grayish in color and something white. He stated the white object might have been a skull but he was too far away and didn't think it really was.

Cheney, throughout the questioning tried to get Kronk to fumble in admitting to touching the evidence (tampering) or to make it appear as though he knew George Anthony and had done something with the evidence to help out Mr. Anthony. Kronk never faultered. At one point in time, Kronk became slightly agitated, but maintain his composure stating, "I'll tell you this again, I did not at anytime prior to December 11th, have any contact with the evidence other than looking." Later to admit he used his meter rod to rotate the apparent skull a portion to verify it if was a skull, stating he still didn't think it was real, but rather, a prop."

Linda Burdick

During Cross, Linda Burdick, prosecutor for the state, asked viable questions to help reiterate his testimony to the jury. Chat room chatter suggested the jury may have lost track of the testimony through all of the pauses and indirect questioning by the defense.

After lunch, chat room chatter and Twitter statements confirmed, along with TruTV In Session that the State had acquired two witnesses on behalf of the State to confirm Cindy Anthony's work history and specifically the date in question regarding the chloroform searches. If you recall, Cindy stated during defense direct, she had been the one to perform the 84 web searches for Chloroform stating, "I started looking up chlorophyll and that prompted me to look up chloroform," continuing, "I also ran a few other searches at the same time in March for other things we had in the house,  like acetone, hydrogen peroxide, rubbing alcohol." Prosecution kept in mind that Cindy was employed and asked her if she was working or at home on March 17th between the times 1:43 and 1:55pm. Cindy replied, "if the computer shows that is the time the searches were made, I made them." Cindy continued her vague answers then stated she, "may have been at work and left." Testimony from the employers will certainly help debunk Cindy's statements.



Judge Belvin Perry



On a sidenote, juror number 2 is an IT expert and juror number 5 does not own a computer... These deliberations may get hostile in the weeks to come.



Sergeant Moonsammy





Concluding testimony of Kronk, Judge Belvin Perry dismissed the jury for the remainder of the day and a proffer was held to determine the validity and relevance of three more witnesses for the defense. A correctional officer for Casey Anthony, Mr. Moonsammy, and a former correctional officer for the cell block, was called to the stand. There questions were short and simple. Defense asked, "How is Casey Anthony's demeanor in the correctional facility?" Mr. Moonsammy stated he does not have direct contact with Ms. Anthony and that he would not know unless there was a disturbance, which there had not been any to his knowledge. The former correctional officer stated Anthony was "pleasant". Judge Belvin Perry ruled during the Proffer that neither witnesses testimony was relevant to the case. 



Jesse Grund

 Enter the surprise witness, ex-boyfriend Jesse Grund. He was also questioned during the proffer about Casey and anything she may have told him that would bring about questions in her home. Grund stated that on two separate occasions, Casey told him that when she had woke from her sleep, Lee, her brother, was standing over her and on one of the occasions, he was groping her. Again, struck down by the judge as his testimony was irrelevant to the trial.

A sidebar commenced after that to determine the need for a grievance counselor who had spoken to Anthony on an occasion. Judge Perry dismissed the court with instructions to the attorneys to look up cases (specifically case law) in which grievance counselors were used to validate testimony regarding the issue.

All in all, nothing was established by the defense. However, the prosecution managed to turn a few witnesses their way. And the defense has a long way to go if this gets out. (@ 2:16-2:25)... Much different that their opening statement. (@ 0:23)...

Hope this gets you up to date... Stay tuned for more of the continuing saga!
Until tomorrow,
LaVonda

Temporary Bout of Insanity?!?

Hola fellow bloggers!

I've gone 13 days without one cigarette! Woot Woot! And I'm feeling a little bit of mixed emotions right now... I know I'm doing the best thing I could ever do for my body (aside from losing all that weight I started out to do, but got sidetracked!). And I couldn't be more happy with my success thus far. So today, while at the water park with my wonderful children and ever-patient husband, I started thinking...

And we all know what happens when I start doing that. I woke this morning to some serious 'find myself' thoughts. You know, the kind you have right before a major epiphany. Well, no epiphany graced me with it's presence, however, one hell of a major laugh did... My husband and I bicker about hair cuts. He says I should just let him cut my hair, rather than pay a small price to go to my dear hairdresser who has, for the last 9 years, cut my hair to perfection!  So, I go along with it. "OK, baby," I say appeasing, "you can cut my hair -- but only if you shave it." Expecting him to bust out with a laugh to muse me and then pass the idea off, I see him thinking. And at this point, I realize that I've begun cutting my wisdom teeth all over again, because I had just bitten off more than I could chew. Expecting some gushy story about, "nah, honey. You better let {hairdresser} do it, I might mess it up. Three simple words. I dare you.

Well, if there ever was an epiphany, it hit at that moment. "LaVonda dear, do not ever bank on someones assumed reaction to your statements. That assumption could bite you in the ass"... Yeah yeah... I seen the devil on my left shoulder drop kick the angel on my right... This could not be good. So, thinking I'll call his bluff, I said, no I'm serious.  And again... Three little words... So am I.

Well, two hours later, and a trip to the dollar store for some much needed bandanna's (cause somethings gotta cover up this melon), I type this blog entry as a message to those wives out there who dare to do the undare-able. Do NOT say you will let your husband cut your hair... EVER! Unless he is a licensed barber who has experience in women's trends. As I sit before this computer, completely enthralled at my ability to win a dare... I still question who really won?!?

Enjoy the pics... They will never happen again in this fashion!
Until tomorrow,
LaVonda



Without my hankie covering my head...



With my hankie... I believe we will get to know each other very well over the next 6 weeks! lol



Conspiracy or Constipation?

Alright. You all know I am an avid conspiracy theorist. From Bush and 9/11 to believing Algebra is the True Anti-Christ.  So here is my unofficial CSI report, based on testimony (or lack there of) from the Casey Anthony Trial.

Casey Anthony is charged with murdering her daughter, filing a false report and a plethora of other minor charges. So it's fair to say, she's about to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Ashton for the State and Baez for the Defense... And they like to argue in front of the judge.

Here is my opinion.

Casey Anthony lived at home with her mother, father and brother in Florida.  Casey was abused by her father, including but not limited to molestation and sexual misconduct. Subsequently, Casey became impregnated by her father. The mother, being dilusional and estranged, failed to acknowledge the pregnancy because she was ecstatic for the birth of her grandchild. The brother found out about it, tried to let the cat out of the bag and was told by the mom to let it alone and let it go. Casey, already scared and out of fear for her daughter that she may later become her father's sexual toy, took Caylee's life. Now, to prevent even more drama (like there could be more, right?) She creates this elaborate story line full of fictious caretakers and stories of drowning.

What a shame!

And the hardest one of all!

Jacob/Taylor  WOW! Took me 7.5 hours to do this one... Resembles him, but not a whole lot. I'm including a black and white and a grayscale so you can see the detail!
ENJOY!

Lot of time on my hands...

So, for those of you who aren't aware. I'm a smoker... well, I should say, EX smoker. As of June 10th at 11pm, I have not had one cigarette, not one puff, drag, or even been in close proximity of a lit cigarette. With that being said, I've had a LOT of time on my hands to try and find something to do.

And here is what I came up with!
For ALL the die-hard twi-fans and well, let's face it... Rob and Taylor are the shizznit!
ENJOY!

PS... My copies are the first three, my inspirations are the last three.






As seen on a Twilight Picture

 


My rendition of another artists rendition... I like mine better! lol




And my version of Taylor Lautner a.k.a. Jacob Black.
You can check it out on his fan website
 http://bit.ly/j2c5FC





Inspiration #1







Inspiration #2



Inspiration #3



The Epitome of Stupidity

Alright... I feel so strange calling myself a human being. I mean, look at what humans do to themselves... They commit homicide out of jealous fits of rage, boredom or accidental... They spend ridiculous hours working class A jobs for slave pay. They buy random products at the store hoping to get a mellow feeling (alcohol). Now, these are legal and are monitored by the FDA and the ABC board (Alcohol Beverage Control). With that being said, here is my rant for the week!

Look at this picture.

What do you think the manufacturers are trying to represent?  We all remember Cheech and Chong and their ad libs and random bouts of humor never forsaking the green herb and it's powers of relaxation. We remember the hippy sixties and their 'free love' message.  But what stops a child from getting their hands on this? Now granted, the ingredients do not list any illegal drugs, IE., marijuana, THC, or cannabis... However, they are putting herbs of some sort along with Melatonin.

Melatonin is a chemical hormone produced by your pineal gland. It is the power to your internal clock that begins to release as the sun sets, causing your body to get tired, relaxed and ready to call it a day. However, the FDA is not monitoring these companies or their use of the supplement, therefore, who know how much melatonin they are putting in these lazy cakes...

On the defensive side, according to the National Sleep Foundation, melatonin is found naturally in some foods, therefore the FDA is not required to monitor its usage in vitamins and minerals because it is synthetically produced and is not classified as a drug. However, various studies were inconclusive as to the benefits of the use of Melatonin, including the time of day the product is used, the severity of the sleep disorder/problem and the resetting of ones biological clock by the use of the product.

In addition, when animals ingest the product, melatonin can and may change the blood pressure and affect fertility. Such effects in humans would be a medical risk for people with heart-related problems, hypertension and stroke, kidney disease and sleep apnea as well as for women of child-bearing age.

You will not see any of the above listed on the packaging for these lazy cakes! Instead you will see a dietary supplement sticker with all the warnings you would find on any bottle of vitamins or minerals. However, their website says something a little different. "Warning, causes extreme relaxation.  Do not eat before a hot date, during work, while driving or operating machinery or equipment."  In addition, the site also promotes Mary J's Relaxation Brownies, with a warning, "For Adults only. Dietary Supplement. Not suitable for children".

According to one site, "National poison center data show melatonin prompts more calls than any other herb or supplement." In addition, there's been at least one report of a toddler in Tennessee eating a Lazy Cake and ending up in the hospital.  Rumors are rampant they contain the same synthetic marijuana compounds found in herbal incense products like Spice or K2. 

In conclusion, we as humans are comparable to that of a lab rat. We have arms and legs to maneuver through life. We have lungs to breath, a heart that pumps blood and a large empty space in our cranium where a brain should be, but the makers and buyers of crap like this lead me to believe that humans are not the brightest crayon in the box!

Until tomorrow,
LaVonda

Making this one count!

Well, where to begin? Hmmm, let me think.
OK. I vented about a lot in my last post. Then I starting thinking, "why am I so stressed out"? Is it because of my mother, my brother, my job and the high cost of living or is it just that I feel so out of control all the time? Well, the answer was hard to find. In fact, I done a lot of soul searching in the last weeks and discovered the following:
1.) Only I can control MY life.
2.) Only I can determine my role in other's peoples lives - I can't force them to do anything.
3.) If I talk the talk, I should walk the walk.

Yeah, that last one was the hardest to find, but I found it. And here is the outcome of that discovery.

I have begged, pleaded and cried for my mother and brother to stop their drug use, the whole time, I'm steadily consuming nicotine through tobacco cigarettes. So, in an effort to test myself (and live healthier), I took the initiative (again) to quit smoking. Only this time, I am not alone in my endeavors. I called the "quit now" hot line. They hooked yours truly up with a quit coach and a stop smoking aid.

And in 2 hours I will be cigarette free 24 hours. Woot! But here is the sad part... I will be able to quit, but my mom and brother probably won't. But if they really want to stop, they will. They will at least try...
I've figured out my triggers and stress is a big one. And while I am still cigarette free, I have a little stress in my life... No, not from work, because... well, let's face it... Only women and men that are courageous in the lion's den could do the job I had! Props to my sister in law, Jennifer Phillips... She rocks that job and is now my hero!

Sadly, her and my husband's Uncle Rayburn is in the hospital. He is losing blood and desperately needs prayers... I know I have very few followers, but I do have many that check out my blog just passing by -- so, send a prayer up for Rayburn in Arkansas... God knows which one he is and He will take care of him.

Jumping off now... Gotta get the house tidy! Tomorrow is Super Sunday in our house! That means lots of relaxation and family time! Got any idea's? Post them!

The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Have to do...

Hello fellow bloggers, readers and passers by,

Many of you know how I feel about beauty pageants, friendship and the price of green bell peppers. But many of you may not be aware of my sheer hatred toward drug abuse. Memorial Day weekend for many is a time of celebration, remembrance and family get togethers. While Saturday was pleasant at my house, thanks to my wonderful sisters in law, nieces and nephew, mom in law and such, Sunday turned into hell on earth. 

On my way out the door to grab some hamburger buns for dinner, I see a missed call on my cell. Recognizing the number and remembering that my grandmother isn't aware of the difference between an old fashioned answering machine and voice mail, I listen to her chatter for a minute saying, "pick up if your there"... Only her tone was different... worried. Quickly, I focus my attention more to the message she leaves behind. "Call me back when you get this, I just got some news about Travis (my brother) and I need to talk to you."  Alright, nothing too bad. I think to myself, he probably got arrested again. He has a love-hate relationship with law enforcement in that he loves to hate them.  I call her back as I start up the van and it rings a couple of times. She answers with a distressed hello.  I ask her what's going on and she informs me that my brother has been taken to the hospital and that a family friend called her to let her know. 

OK, stress level increased just a little bit more. I figure, well, he probably got into a bar room brawl or BBQ gone wild. I call the hospital they would've most likely taken him to and find out... [Nurse]: He's stable. We need you to come here as soon as possible. [Me]: OK. What happened. [Nurse]: He is stable. [Me]: May I talk to him? [Nurse]: When I say he is stable I mean, he is intubated and can't talk but he is still alive.

**Exit floor from beneath me, lights blur my vision, heart skips several beats!**

Between the sobs of fear and sorrow, I ask her again what happened? [Nurse]: Apparently it was an overdose from the tox screen analysis. [Me]: What did he take. [Nurse]: His girlfriend said 15 Ambian and 30 Xanax.

You cannot begin to fathom the mix of emotions that coursed through my veins at the thought of my brother laying on a cold medical bed, a machine breathing for him. Fear for his life; Anger for his stupidity. Now, as I write this, I sob like a baby, tears flowing down my cheeks remembering his chest rising and falling as the machine pushed oxygen into his lifeless body. Remembering all the times he made me laugh. Remembering all the times he held my children and played with them. Remembering when his own children were born and seeing the happiness on his face.

Fast-forward >>>> Transferred to SEMO hospital in Cape, the tubes came out nearly 12 hours later. He was alive! He was breathing on his own... Discharged late Wednesday afternoon.  Long story short... He isn't seeking treatment.

Enter Second Round of Mixed Emotions!

Spoke to our mother today who is also a recovering drug addict and has been clean for 16 months with the help of Suboxone. I asked her if my brother was going into treatment. When she replied "No", I recognized that wasted tone in her voice. You've heard people talk when they are well lit... speech slurred just a little so as they sound sleepy. Memory a little fuzzy so as they can't remember short term stuff. She thanked me for taking her to get my brother yesterday... I didn't go to Cape yesterday. I was at work. When I told her I didn't take her, she said, "Well, how did I get there to get him?" I told her, "you drove (family friends) car". She replied, "Well, you know what I mean." Then she had the audacity to tell me she hadn't taken anything when I asked her. I've seen my mother abuse Soma's, which are muscle relaxers.  They make you appear drunk and lethargic, slow moving and you fall asleep fast when you abuse them and I believe her to be abusing them again. And possibly xanax... She has a prescription for those, but abuse is abuse whether they are yours or someone elses.

So, the hardest thing I'll ever have to do is say I can't keep doing this. I can't subject myself to this form of torture, even if it is for my loved ones. Unconditional love does not mean hating yourself. And I hate myself every time I think about how addicted they are. I hate myself because they are addicts and I'm not. Not because I want to be, but because they can't stop. They don't have a home or belongings or things that are theirs. They don't have it because they choose not to. And I feel guilty because I have these things.  I'm flesh of her flesh and blood of her blood and by God, I am no better. Why can't they change? They can't love themselves enough to WANT help! I can't watch my mother and brother destroy their lives. It's selfish of them to do it. How do I explain to my children what a funny guy their uncle WAS??? What a loving Grandmother they HAD??? How their life style choices caused me to resent every pharmaceutical company and pencil pushing doctor this side of heaven??? How do I stop the pain they've caused??? God knows how many nights I've laid awake crying and praying for him to help them. For him to put on their heart the desire to stop doing drugs. And tonight, I cry my last cry. I say my last prayer.

Because tomorrow, I will put the pieces of my heart back together. I will not worry about them because God heard my prayer. I do not have to repeat it to him every night, the same hum drum saga of the Kelley-Maxwell Drug Abuse... I claim their healing in Jesus' name and if he sees fit for them to come clean, they will through his power, not my begging. 

A few quotes to lift my spirits... and yours too, if you managed to read this entire blog!

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
"To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment"
"Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love"