Hello fellow bloggers, readers, and passers-by,
I've always been told that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. One word, one look, one breath, taken just the right way at the right time can throw me into a whirlwind of tears, sobs, and a major snot factor. I'm not proud of that. I hate it. I can't be assertive for this very reason. Sure, over the phone, I can sell you beach front property in Arizona. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I fold like a bad hand.
Utterly envious of anyone who can assert themselves and get things accomplished has been my personal secret. Day dreaming that one day I'll be like that. See, growing up, I never had to do that. I never had to stand up for my beliefs because, in all actuality, I was raised around closed minds, limited in conversational topics and discouraged about my dreams for a number of reasons... And their reasons for my limited speaking were probably something akin to my own envy: I was the only one to graduate high school or college. Don't get me wrong: I was supported in school and college. But I never had the chance to defend something. Never had the chance to stand up for something I believed in because I never had the chance to appreciate something enough to defend it.
Aerosmith - dream on (live with orchestra) by pipolave1
Today was a very hard day for me. Not an epiphany, but a major break down of all emotions. I wasn't numb. I wasn't happy, I was mad. Filled with hate, contempt and the worst of all, my husband was scared for me. Supportive in everything I do, his concern finally got my attention when he said, "our kids need you, too." Kasidy, the mother hen, Kristopher, the sports fan, Kody, the family jester and Kanon, the chef 'ala desserts. Yes, my children are the light of my eye, the reason for my existence and the reason why I want to protect other children. Regaining a little composure, I nodded my head to him in understanding and headed for my happy place. Sitting in the shower, the water beating down on me, hot, hard, I break down one more time. The tears flowing, the sobs heavy, the images of children who have died or been abused because of people who didn't know how to love and didn't care to learn. People who didn't reach out for support when they were feeling overloaded. Sitting there, I began to question my goals. I mean, school starts back for me in less than a month and I am between a rock and a hard spot. Do I continue with my plans, or do I fold. Do I cower down and change my major? Do I remove myself completely?
Out of the shower and lunch finished, the kids are down for a nap, as well as hubby. I turn off the television in hopes of just enjoying the quiet time. But my thoughts are loud. The silence is deafening. Because again, I wonder, how do their loved ones keep going? I couldn't imagine my life without my children and should anything happen to any of them, someone better have me committed. Hoping I don't start crying again, I look out the window. Clouds roll in and thunder is heard in the distance as my 9' sunflowers start to bend in rhythm to the wind. A nap was out of the question at this point. I could feel my heart breaking. Not only because of the fear I felt about my future, but for the anger I still held toward those that hurt children.
So now, I sit before my computer writing this post wondering if I have finally found something I believe in enough to defend it. Of course... But the correct question would be, do I have the courage? Because the passion I have to protect children from abuse is very strong. But the emotions that build up from the stories are stronger. And an immense amount of courage will be needed to continue. Listening to Aerosmith, I wonder if I will be able to do this. Questioning myself and my capabilities, I start thinking of all the good things I've accomplished. I start thinking about how hard I thought it would be to do them but I did them anyway. Why should this be any different?
♪♫ Dream on, dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on, dream on
Dream until your dream come true
Dream on, dream on, dream on... ♪♫
I can't just stand back and let it keep happening. I can't stand back and let fear keep me from doing what I feel driven to do. Fear is the thief of dreams, and I will not let it steal mine. I simply have to change my thought processs and take my emotions out of it. I've done it before, I can do it again!
Until tomorrow,
LaVonda
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